The back to school battle i stopped trying to win

Back to school status: it’s complicated

If you can’t wait for school to start and are dreading school to start, you aren’t alone.

Back to school isn’t just a transition for the kids.

Whether you’ve got a little one starting kindergarten for the first time or a seasoned student heading back after summer, heading back-to-school can bring a lot to the surface. For everyone involved.

There’s the parents’ breathless anticipation of getting back into a routine again… and also the pressure of getting All The Things ready.

There’s excitement for new milestones… and grief that a season of childhood is closing.
There’s joy. Anxiety. Hope. Doubt. All packed into a lunchbox and zipped up in a backpack.

Even when it goes "smoothly," it can still feel like a lot.

My son told me every morning for 6 months: “I don’t want to go to school.”

Every. Single. Morning. At breakfast.

In the whiniest 4-year-old voice you can imagine:

“I don’t want to go to schooool.” or “I don’t waaaaaaaant to go to school”.

Lots of variation there.

At first, I spiralled. Was he being bullied? Was something wrong with the teacher? Was something wrong with him? What was I doing wrong? Would it be like pulling teeth to get him to school for the next 12 years? And on and on.

Eventually, I realized he wasn’t saying “I don’t want to go to school.”

He was saying: “I don’t want to be away from you.”

It wasn’t about fear or safety. It wasn’t about anyone being broken. It was about attachment. He preferred to be with me. Which—when I zoomed out—made perfect, beautiful sense for his age.

Simple to understand…not so simple to address.

But, it was that small realisation that told me that there was nothing to fix…rather he just needed to get it out. So, I just let it be part of the morning routine: complaining came right after cereal, just before brushing teeth.

I also started setting aside 5 quiet minutes right when he woke up, just to give him that extra connection before the routine and rush.

Everything did get a little easier…that isn’t to say it went away, but how I felt about it had changed. I accepted his feelings AND he knew he was still going to go. Eventually, he stopped needing to say it.

Some days now, he says it before school. And on those days, I tune in a little more closely, ask a few more questions…just in case it means something different now.

Sometimes the hardest part is not trying to fix everything.

Here are a few gentle things that helped in our house, and might help in yours:

1. INVOLVE THEM
Let them pick their backpack, water bottle, or snack container (within reason). Giving them agency helps them feel in control during a big transition.

2. PRACTICE IT

Walk the route to school ahead of time. Talk through what to they can expect. Role play the drop off. Better yet, let them be the teacher and you be the nervous student. What they say to comfort you might surprise you…and provide some insight into any nervousness they are feeling.

3. MINDSET MATTERS

It’s okay to feel both proud and a little heartbroken. That’s part of it. The more conscious you are of managing your own emotional energy, the less they’ll feel like they have to carry it for you.

4. HAVE CONSCIOUS EXPECTATIONS

You know your child, but you can’t predict everything. They might cling. Or they might run in without looking back. Either way—it’s okay. Leave room in your heart (and schedule) for the unexpected.

5. SCAFFOLD THEM

Help them build the skills they need to succeed. Visual charts for the morning routine. A weekly calendar with their activities and schedule that they can see. And lots of reminders, because doing it once doesn’t mean they’ve mastered it.

As with so many situations in parenting, a dose self-compassion for you and helping of connection for them goes a long way in navigating tricky transitions.

If your heart is feeling a bit wobbly right now, you’re not alone.

Starting school (or starting again) invites so much—for them and for you.

You might be noticing big emotions, resistance, regression, or grief. You might be discovering some of your own childhood stories bubbling up.

If you’re feeling that tug, or just want to show up with more presence and less panic, I’ve got a few spots open for 1:1 coaching starting in September.

Together, we can work through what’s coming up for you, explore the expectations you didn’t know you had, and make space for a rhythm that actually supports you too.