The Backpack I Didn't Know I Was Carrying
I've been carrying around a backpack full of anger for years.
The wildest part is that I didn't even know it was there.
When Anger Hides
Anger doesn't always announce itself. It doesn't always show up as rage or breaking things, yelling on a hair trigger or the stereotypical "angry person" we picture.
Sometimes anger is quiet. Sneaky. It disguises itself as:
Chronic exhaustion that won't lift
Resentment toward people you love
Snapping at small things (the cup on the counter, the shoes in the hallway) and the buttoning it back up
That tight feeling in your chest
Saying "I'm fine" when you're absolutely not
Feeling numb or disconnected
For so many of us, especially those raised to be "good," compliant, achieving, to not be the one parents have to worry about…to put what everyone else needs from you first… anger learned to hide. We learned it wasn't safe, wasn't acceptable, wasn't "appropriate."
So we stuffed it down. Packed it away.
And all the while, the backpack got heavier.
What's in Your backpack?
When I finally looked at what I'd been carrying, here's what I found:
Anger at all the times I said sure no problem when I meant no
Anger at motherhood expectations with so little structural support
Anger at childhood hurts I never got to express
Anger when it felt like my voice didn’t matter
Anger at the narrow band of emotion that is “acceptable” for moms
Maybe your backpack holds different things:
The way your body was criticized
Career dreams you set aside
The partner who doesn't see what you do
The mother you needed but didn't have
Systems that fail parents repeatedly
Childhood wounds showing up in your parenting
Being the default parent without acknowledgement of what that means
This anger is valid. Every single bit of it.
"But I'm Not an Angry Person"
I hear this often. "I'm not angry. I don't get angry."
And I want to gently ask: or did you just learn really well how to not show your anger?
The absence of expressed anger doesn't mean the absence of anger. It often means really effective suppression or the anger is turned inward.
We learn this young. We watch what happens when people express anger. We learn which emotions are acceptable and which ones get us labeled "difficult" or "too much."
So we adapt. We become the calm one, the easy-going one.
And we carry the backpack.
Why This Matters for Your Kids
Your children are watching how you relate to anger.
When you suppress it, swallow your voice, pretend everything's fine, they're learning to do the same.
When you snap after holding everything in, they're learning anger is scary and unpredictable.
When you can't name your anger, you can't teach them how to work with theirs.
But here's the beautiful part: when you start acknowledging your own anger, you give your children permission to do the same.
When you can say "I'm feeling frustrated" instead of snapping (or even in addition to snapping…hey, you gotta start somewhere), they learn anger can be named.
When you advocate for your needs instead of silently resenting, they learn their needs matter.
When you feel anger without shame, they learn anger isn't shameful.
When you repair with them, they see that your anger isn’t theirs to carry.
The Invitation
Turn around and look at the backpack you’re carrying. The one handed to you by your own mother, and her mother before her. Who each did their best with what they were given.
You don't have to unpack it all today…in fact that would likely be impossible even in your lifetime. You don't have to "deal with" everything inside. You don't need a plan.
Just start with acknowledging it's there.
Feel the weight of it.
Maybe even say: "Oh. I've been carrying a lot. And that makes sense."
Because it does. Given everything you've experienced, held, survived…of course there's anger.
You’re human.
Your anger is information. It's not a character flaw. It's your body and heart trying to tell you something important about what you need, what matters, what needs to change.
You deserve to listen.
What's Coming
In this blog series, we'll explore:
Part 2: The different types of anger and your patterns with it
Part 3: What's happening in your nervous system, and how to work with it
But for now, just this: You're allowed to feel angry. And you're not alone.